Optimistic is da way to go......

in times like this,
u tend 2 feel weak and emotional..
every sight is a sight of emptiness
every touch has no warmth
every sound is just another noise
inevitably, u'll blame urself over what has happened
although u have tried so hard to prevent it

but what would u do if u were left to sail alone?

people can say that this does not hurt
but its their lying pride that's talking
even u r bragging how it didn't change a thing
but behind curtains ur sorrow hits hard
n there is no 1 that knows the way
to put colours in ur eyes
for now

deep down inside
u realize 1 fact
that u'll definitely end up with a smile
though u can't tell where n when
there will b a bright light at the end of this dark tunnel
so u stride on
with all the might u have left
put on faces when u should
stamp ur feet hard - hard enough to make it matter
bcause every step now means something
not to others anymore but to urself

walk on
the journey is still long
and with the faith u hv
the world will bring u back its wonders
soon there will be wind which will guide u down the right way
u just hv to keep on going

so that is what i will do

-me-

DELIBERATION!!

i once knew a man who wished that i'd settle for second
i once knew a man who pressured me for sex
i once knew a man who needed me too be thin, really thin
i once knew a man who helped me spend all my money

now i am alone at 23
(note that the word alone might be associated with other words like 'uncertain', 'bleak' and 'hazardous')



life is just beginning to get more interesting!!!!!!!!

I am a MESS!

the title says it all.........
till i figure out a way to straighten everything out,
low-key is my way of life.

Johore-ing myself

two weeks of classes had passed..
i'm getting very used to the house now
jb seems much more subtle than how i first saw it..
still familiarizing with the johoreans' road ethics (apparently they love to tail-gate you real close..before u'll realize that they are actually 'the imported ones' - hence the cockiness)
must be weird for them to see a K among all the Js with an obviously stunning young female driver maneuvering her way through the town..ahaks

as for the life in IPGMK(TI) --- da brp byk kali tukar da nama ni. kt dlm sama je x berubah2....
i drag myself to live yet another minute in it..
its like living in a warfare zone
and TESL is the minor ethnic up for cleansing...
we have to watch our backs all the time
just in case there is a glimpse of that monstrous dictator whom has taken a vow to make our lives here unbearable.

i do not know how the next 5months is gonna change me..
but i surely will never lose myself
with that dictator around marking my moves,
i'll probably add a pinch of evil in my resume............

multitaskers

just found out a friend of mine has been making money out of her online boutique..
feel free to browse for nice accessories at
www.chic-shawl.blogspot.com



p.s. its nice to see young girls taking charge of their own lives..

Yes, I am going to be a teacher!!

Imagine you are being punked..............
You arrive at your supposedly 'very comfortable RM400 a semester' hostel with all smiles.
You walk in carrying your big 'bantal busuk' thinking that you are going to end your six-year course with much pleasure.
Yes, isn't final year supposed to be the year to remember?
Then you realize something is not right..
Why are you walking into a rundown, dusty, three-bedroom space (no, I wouldn't call it a house) and not into the rooms that you have pictured earlier in your mind while driving for about 3hours?

WTH??
This is the moment I wish Ashton will just come out from his hiding..

But as fate bestowed you a series of misfortune (it all began when you decided that teaching English will be your cherished profesion), you soon discover that for the next six months of your life, you will be living in a cramped flat with another 16 people whom you might and might not like.
And guess what?
You won't be provided with any locker/closet/cupboard whatsoever...
All you have is your bed and bed only.

my only personal space for another 6mths..

there goes my tortured creativity output

who needs a table when you can slouch over assignments, rite?

At this time, even Ashton will not be able to cheer you up then when he finally decided to come out and surprises you..

F***!!!

......Suddenly I feel 'pink' is not right to justify the wrath within me now......

jeng jeng jeng

ahah....
after hibernating for almost the entire holiday
and successfully annihilated my social life......
i am back (at least for now)
bear the changes in this blog please..(especially the flying butterfly)
i'm in a good mood...
currently is out of kedah and heading to johore
2days transit in KL which means 2days to spend with my other half
the kilometres are stretching more and more... so better make the best of the time (wink!)
back to the blog..
its nice being childish again once in a while
having butterfly flying around seems fun
in times where the word 'babi' is the current hype...
i'm happy happy happy
- result was good
- transformers 2 was superb
- my car is fixed
- Rina is now eating non-stop
- bank account has tripled (yg ni bahaya sket ni)
- my other half is by my side

just DON'T mention the word 'maktab' or 'ipti' or 'baharum' or 'senaman pagi'
all hell will break loose!!

desperately seeking some time..and money of course

gosh..
i really got no time to blog anymore
considering that i have to take that dreadful journey to the cc
currently blogging from my mom's office
everyday i ferry her back and forth to her office but i was too shy to use this big pc (biasala budak ayu)
there are so many hot young guys here mestila kena control kann....
well, nothing is new
Rina is still hooked up with a tube - which means she still drinks only milk
it has been 3 weeks and she has grown so restless... kesian dia woo
well, next week we are going back to the Penang hospital and hopefully she can start eating properly again (she has prepared a list of food she'd want to have once the tube is off)
but till that moment comes, i will have to fix her up with milk every 3 hours and occasionally she'll have a glass of ribena.....
now that's how life is.
that's her part
what about ours?

ps: this blog really really need some pictures now... 'the other half' said its boring

just when i thought my holiday is boringg

i can't contain myself anymore today
while i stirred a glass of milk this evening i realized how long has it been since my last cyber connection....
so here i am
doing something i dislike the most - sitting in a chair in between adolescent boys who curse and fidget around while playing something that i assume would be DOTA (pandai jee..ntah2 game porno ape jek)
yep!! apparently my steamyx has been disconnected at home
there goes my treasured priviledge of having to surf in my pajamas while munching on some murukku
all thanks to my 15-year-old brother who has just discovered the world of 'love'
due to his short-circuited ability to think accordingly, our land line bill reached a certain level which almost turned my father into a particular huge green monster
so no more phone calls to him
and no more internet to the rest of us

but even if the tale above didn't happen.. i wouldn't be able to surf much anyway
in between the previous entry and these two horrible smelly school boys sandwiching me
my holiday has been nothing but eventful....
and i actually lost some weight.. (note the word 'some' might mean slightly insignificant and probable imaginary amount)

my sister Rina underwent a reconstructive plastic surgery in Penang about three weeks ago.. (i'll blog about it in my next entry)
so the whole family was pushed out of our regular routine and have to accommodate the change.
my mom went to stay with Rina at the hospital for about a week..
my dad had to work of course so he went back to ipoh after the surgery
and as usual, i have to man the household and take care of my other two siblings and also my grandma at home
yep.. i am totally domesticated now
my weapons are the mop and broom...
kid me not but i can brush a house till it sparkle
hahaha.. and those labour has driven me to think that i am now slightly lighter
though i enjoy multiple-serving meals after every chore....

now that Rina has come home.. there are more things to be monitored
because of the surgery, her mouth is off-limit to any solid food that can damage the suture in her gums so she has to feed through a tube inserted in in her nose that goes straight into her stomach
i really really feel sorry for her because i know how bad she wants to eat and actually taste food
my mom has ordered everyone in the house to not eat anything in front of our kak Rina
and we are postponing all the desires to eat food that she loves like pizza, kfc, and even waffles..
we don't mind a bit
as long as Rina doesn't feel sad and tempted
she is going to recuperate successfully and all of us are there for her..

oops i forgot that you have a time limit here..
till i'm not sure when...
hope that my dad will finally come to his senses
or my brother will finally realize that the phone calls involve cash flows..
i'm just at home being a daughter, a grandchild, and a sister
and oh, i didn't mention that i crashed my mother's car, did i??

next time, shall we?

reality or make-believe?

alahaii pengetua...eh oops..principal tiara ui....
we understand that astro would like to squeeze in as much money that they can
so please spare us from all the drama shit you just put on in front of everyone
i mean, cmon la...
we all know what akademi fantasia is..
all that surprise drama is one of its fundamentals
kejap sorg keluar, kejap dua org keluar, aiseh..there is no justice to audience's wasted vote money la.
if there is gonna be a return of an axed contestant, hey i don't even take that as a surprise anymore.. i mean, look at mawi.
wasn't he an afmasuk some time ago?
my point is, you do not have to make up some sort of supposedly-natural-looking 'performance' where you need to ternganga and looked all shocked and messed up then walked up the stage and suddenly nak guna the authority as a principal to launch the somehow-unfair afmasuk
adoyaii..why didn't you use the authority when aril-the-great (duh) was ousted?
surely everyone know who is the lucky 'guy' that will be voted back into the show....
but play it fair and square la
once you are kicked off, please remain that way
mana ade skolah expel students then take them back
pandaiinye all the people at astro..
i understand that's the way it goes but please do not simply make a fool out of the audience with a totally unconvincing drama like that...
come to think of it, ironically, isn't she is like one of the greatest actress on our land?
well, apparently that's old news

i just think honest competition brings out the pure talent
OIAM is one
glad that tomok won - he totally deserved it

currently anxious to find out if danny gokey will make it

and btw, hafiz too

conclusion: ok i am into reality shows... but is it really 'reality'?

That rare moments in life

I was called 'tak berhati perut' by someone when i failed to cry while watching Talentime...
I mean it was not my fault that I found the story to be so 'funny' and worth laughing at..
And when others wetted their pillows (mind you) at night reading P.S. I Love You, I spent hours flipping the pages to find the parts where I can actually feel something...

But today, something inside me turned upside down.
Its a feeling that made me froze for a while and my mind just stopped spinning (literally)
The same feeling I got after I watched Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond,
The same feeling I felt as I watched Amerul Affendi screamed for his beloved coconut tree during Teater Kompilasi Vol.1
The same feeling I got after learning about the C for Content-Based Instruction (nasib baik da tukar)

And its all due to Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper.........
It is a real powerful novel that really hooked on me
I am no critic so I better not write a review here

I always see myself as a cynic, a romantic, and a realist
And Ms. Picoult has came up with a story so real I almost went out of my head after reading it
I guess I have to thank Mel for telling me I should buy the novel (since I have been craving for it for ages)
Owhh I'm just gonna go and read it again..
Good nite now...

one time, not too long ago, i heard my mom telling a friend of her how she wished her daughter (that would be me) had been a little bit more into studying, then she would have had a doctor-to-be as a daughter instead of a teacher-to-be (which is who i am now)

from that moment on, i realized that i never was, never am and never will be good enough for my mother..

perhaps that's the reason why i never felt how my study now is important to her..
the only times i really feel she care are when the results are in.. high scores are all that matter. the nightmares i went through to get those results never got into front-page news
she doesn't even care to know when the exams start and end

call me exaggerating, call me immature

i saying all these now at the age of 23 based on what has happened for the past 22 years
so pardon me for blabbering like a school girl because i never had a chance to so when i was a real school girl
once i turned 13, i started learning all about independent and survival up until now

i blame the society and myself
the stigmas in our society (or perhaps the society my family is in) are just too vicious
you'll get respected if your children get to be doctors and lawyers
if they are just teachers, then you are a failure as parents
sadly my mother bites into that
and the rest is history

that's why i can't wait for the next phase of my life
when i can be with the one who really know me - what i want in life and who i want to be
because if people say nobody knows you best than your own family
that ain't the case with mine

Siapa kata belajar bahasa ni cikaii??

kali ini entri dalam bahasa Melayu..
salah silap harap diampun
bukannya 'sounds stupid if i speak in Malay' tp lebih kepada kurangnya pendedahan kpd penggunaan yang sebetul2nya
cakap pasar boleh je.......

saya betul2 kurang ngerti la (indon la skitt, kt pasar kn byk indon)
kejap iya2 benerr nk mengimplikasikan matematik dan sains dlm English
tiap2 tahun pas exam besarr berlambak-lambak analisa dan kajian dilakukan
semuanya utk mengesahkan math n science in English is not a mistake....
kesiann tgk budak2 pulun tunggang langgang tonggeng menonggeng nk tukar lidah setiap kali tukar klas
mak bapak abis puluhann ribu RM utk tuisyen nk memastikan anak2 mereka tidak ketinggalan di belakang
tuisyen menguasai hampir 80% masa lapang budak2...
kamus di kedai buku habiss licinn dibeli oleh mereka.....dan juga guru2 mereka.
fon guru2 English x putus2 berdering hingga ke malam hari dihubungi oleh guru2 lain meminta rujukan untuk menyiapkan rancangan pembelajaran mereka.

semua ni berterusan utk 6 tahun berikutnye.
adikku yg bersekolah rendah kini sudah tidak lagi kenal tambah tolak darab bahagi
semuanya subtractions, multiplying, dividing... pastu kedengaran plak perkataan saintifik yang tidak pernah saya dengari...
terasa bangga gak le tgk muka adikku itu.

tup2.....

mari memperkasakan Bahasa Melayu kawan2.....
adakah dgn menggunakan English utk belajar sains dan matematik bermaksud bahasa melayu tidak diperkasakan?
kan ade kelas BM, Geografi, Pend.Islam, Kemahiran Hidup, Kajian Tempatan, Sejarah, ape kebenda Sivik tu.., ape lagi?...semua tu kan dlm Bahasa Melayu
budak2 keluar kelas tetap berbahasa Melayu. bertepuk tampar aci lut sep2 tangan bermain tetap dgn gurindam melayu.
fyi, kami mmg lebih suka berdendang nenek o nenek rumak nenek nak roboh daripada one two buckle my shoe..... xde feel orang kata

percayalah wahai pkcik2 mkcik2 di atas sana.....
pembelajaran itu dalam apa bentuk bahasa sekalipun, smua tetap sedar apa yang dahulu apa yg tidak

anda risau dgn telatah remaja skrg yang kelihatan amat maju jaya dan berketrampilan kurang Melayunya??

usaikan kerisauan itu sbb percayalah walaupun dgn skirt pendek sunglasses besarr rokok di jari, bahasanya tetap Melayu..klu dia cakap bahasa lain punn berbunyi kemelayuan....
Hidupp Bahasa Kita!!!!!

jangan la cepat melatah....
yang menjadi taruhan ialah masa depan budak2 kita. do not simply toy around with such thing.
tolong jangan buat keputusan dgn pemikiran berdasarkan poket masing2
kalau punn keputusan menggunakan English 6 tahun lalu merupakan satu mistake,
alang2 menyeluk pekasam, pandai2la sambung sendiri.... (Hidupp lagi!!)

senang kata, x payah complicatedkan perkara yang delicate sebegini...

ape yg pasti masa depan students di tangan pkcik2 dan mkcik2 di atas sana
org2 atas di tanah lain ada yg bunuh diri bile xdapat menjalankan tanggungjawab sebaik2nya..
plg cikai pun mereka letak jawatann..
senario begitu memang confirm la x wujud di tanah kita ni.
bukan nk suruh bunuh diri
AMANAH itu perkataannya................................................

Venting

i desperately want to update this blog but apparently i got nothing to say..
now that would be an understatement..
cos lots and lots are happening in my life.
assignments are horrendously damaging my brain cells by the minutes.
food are mounting in my belly
and oh i just had my 23nd birthday..

now what birthday actually means to me?
apparently nothing.
just a sign from Allah that I am a year older which means
a) no more fooling around
b) start saving up money kalau betul nk kawin.. (my mom's voice)
c) be more matured now..responsibilities are piling up.

well its just another year to spend and make it as worthwhile as possible.
i will avoid any major drama in my life now
ha ha ha ha ha ha... TESL students without life drama?
it would be like Saipol without the everyone-is-watching-me-so-i-better-act-cool...
oh damn it!!
i just invited another drama there....
naughty me!

but really
life is life
you can't help but to participate in it
if it needs you to personally loathe someone who makes up stories about you
then loathe him you should..
i mean why not?..

so let's toast for being 23
apart from childish boys that we see everyday
the rumours they spread in between their porn feed
life is wayyy beyond them...

You're Tagged!: The Chronicles of Superman and his Crotch

why oh why amanda...do u have to tag me!!!
i don't even know such thing exist...
so i'm just gonna do what i'm supposed to do
which are:-

Your instructions:
Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you.
At the end, select a few people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.
Don't forget to leave a comment (''You're tagged!'') and to read your blog.
You can't tag the person who tagged you.
Since you can't tag me, let me know when you've posted your blog, so I can see your weirdness.

1. i have a bantal busuk which i talk to every night..
2. when i'm nervous, i cough really bad. one time i puked before a debate final...i spent half of my speech then coughing in the opponent's faces. fyi, i won best speaker maaa (that time only la).....
3. i can't resist a cute pair of wedges. especially those with cute little details like ribbons, flowers, buttons, beads, glitters... told u i can go on and on...
4. sometimes i believe that i am monica geller's reincarnation in real life.. mess freak!
5. every week i go to class and watch out for a particular superman who obviously is insecure about his on-the-outside underwear so he stirs gossips bout others to distract people from staring at his crotch.
6. i was slapped by a fellow chinese classmate when i was in standard 2. the reason: i refuse to carry her bag. bitchiness does start from infancy for some.....
7. my bf and i, when we fight, we have yelling contest. whose voice cracks first loses... the prize - nando's peri-peri whole chicken sponsored by the loser.
8. i skipped my first class on my first day in kindergarten. the swing outside the class was so enticing that my dad practically had to drag me back home...
9. during my swimming classes days.. i developed a liking in staring at boys' butts. call me pervert.
10. i secretly believe that i am two size smaller than i really am. all mirrors are liars!
11. my bf do not know this but i love him very very much!
12. blood is my kryptonite. yesterday my chin bled a dot of blood and i felt the sky was falling..
13. nerd boys are hot!!
14. i curse myself after every meal.. no i do not have eating disorder. denial is one symptom of eating disorder but i do not have eating disorder. uh oh
15. i have difficulties listing down things like this.....
16. i find it hard to admit the statement above

so who's next?
1.nani
2.kei
3.jimi
4.bahira
5.if the insecure superman ever cross this page
6.god i really know no one....

Super Mario..what a metaphor

when you meet with someone who value things differently from you
then you'll know how interesting your life will be
by saying interesting i do not mean wonderful
just that
you will feel kind of worthy
having to trotted the world for years and finding no challenge to excite you
finally there is something to give you a shake
that is why
go out and mingle
sitting around in your comfort box will bring you more harm which my thesaurus will say 'socially retarded'
out there waiting are people with millions of new information for you
they might not necessarily be good but worth knowing
at least you discover them before you die
for those who feel your life suck real bad
trust me, everyone feels the same way
even the most ok person you know has contemplated suicide at some points in his life
just look past everyting that's gloomy
there's something good waiting at the oher end of the rainbow
which probably won't be anything much
but time will provide you with ample anticipations
sit back, enjoy the ride and pick up what's good that come in your way
like when you play super mario
there will be times you'll bump into a hideous obstacle that makes you smaller than u really are
rant about it if you want
but go on further down your journey
cause in the end
no matter how many fireballs you have to duck
no matter how many stars you fail to catch
no matter how tired you are trying to knock the tortoises out
your castle is waiting at the end of the line
just make sure you still have enough breath to arrive and raise your flag

gosh i miss playing mario
it was such a turn on when i was younger
practically 5 years old

the border,the food, the heat

Yesterday I crossed the line that divided Msia and Thailand.
Yup, I can finally say that I've been abroad..(kuikui)
It was just for a day but absolutely worthwhile.
Our destination was an off-shore small fishing village in Satun.
That was where my uncle was born.... so it was kinda like a visit to meet unknown relatives.
Lacking in passport-wise, I applied for my border pass a day earlier.
Which made me feel very lucky to be be living in a borderlined state.
Thailand was...
Hot..very hot.
I'd suggest anyone going there to equipped themselves with bottles of drinking water
Because the heat will parched you dry.
Thai drivers are wonderfully fast.
They speed like mad men but they did not cause trouble to other drivers.
It was like they have some sort of mutual understanding of each other's drivings.
Pick-up trucks outnumber other types of cars and they carry people, instead of things at the back.
We went past several small town and reached Hat Yai where non-Thai can easily got lost in translations.
English signboards gradually disappeared and we found ourselves driving through a metropolis without headwind....
But Thais are 1) friendly 2) love smiling 3) hopelessly incompetent in English
So we managed to get back to our track with a lot of exaggerated hand movements and ridiculous gestures which particularly ended with 'kap kunn ka'....
i won't talk bout the food here..that will need another hour...
Thais are born great cooks.....that sums it all

Try Me!!

If you declare war to gain territory, I'm fine with that
If you declare a bloodbath in the name of religion, I'm in no place to stop you
BUT
When you start to hurt women
When you start to decapitate children
You are the lowest, most disgusting creature ever walked this earth!
Is victory really that sweet when you earn it on thousands of innocent corpses?
Is that small piece of land really mean something when the soil has been soaked in helpless blood?
Guess you have liven up to everything that's been written about you
Its not about land anymore
Its not about religion
Regardless of ethnicity,
You are my enemy with every children's souls lost in the battle

do not arrest me for this.....

Every semester you are bound to have one disastrous class
The one you that give you shivers down to your spine just thinking about it
Let alone going to class........
Well, this semester's award of d most ergh class ever is.......G's
and this is just the third week.
No offense
I am gonna be a teacher someday
And I am taking every note to avoid from getting any death threats from my future students
Teachers are poor souls
50 students
Need satisfy em all
Failing to do that means hell
Not only from them..their parents as well
Tough life
And yet people keep talking bout how easy being a teacher is
Try being one then....
I dare you

damn you...

i dun get it
they condemn hitler for the holocaust
the word nazi is equivalent to devil
apartheid in africa was a huge deal
this
that
shit
crap

but

its ok for israel
they say its for the better
and the rest of us shout in puny, distinctive silence

this voice
mine
is probably miniscule
may not change anything
physical

but just to let you know
damn you
in all form of damnation
you'll know someday
justice in hell will be served
so sweet and
so cold

forgiveness

i once read somewhere that its better for us to forgive
but do not forget
no matter how badly you was hurt by other people
life would be much more settling if you forgive em

since its a new year,
i want to start with a clean slate
hope that any sin from my part can be forgiven