Tuesday, April 28, 2009

That rare moments in life

I was called 'tak berhati perut' by someone when i failed to cry while watching Talentime...
I mean it was not my fault that I found the story to be so 'funny' and worth laughing at..
And when others wetted their pillows (mind you) at night reading P.S. I Love You, I spent hours flipping the pages to find the parts where I can actually feel something...

But today, something inside me turned upside down.
Its a feeling that made me froze for a while and my mind just stopped spinning (literally)
The same feeling I got after I watched Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond,
The same feeling I felt as I watched Amerul Affendi screamed for his beloved coconut tree during Teater Kompilasi Vol.1
The same feeling I got after learning about the C for Content-Based Instruction (nasib baik da tukar)

And its all due to Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper.........
It is a real powerful novel that really hooked on me
I am no critic so I better not write a review here

I always see myself as a cynic, a romantic, and a realist
And Ms. Picoult has came up with a story so real I almost went out of my head after reading it
I guess I have to thank Mel for telling me I should buy the novel (since I have been craving for it for ages)
Owhh I'm just gonna go and read it again..
Good nite now...
one time, not too long ago, i heard my mom telling a friend of her how she wished her daughter (that would be me) had been a little bit more into studying, then she would have had a doctor-to-be as a daughter instead of a teacher-to-be (which is who i am now)

from that moment on, i realized that i never was, never am and never will be good enough for my mother..

perhaps that's the reason why i never felt how my study now is important to her..
the only times i really feel she care are when the results are in.. high scores are all that matter. the nightmares i went through to get those results never got into front-page news
she doesn't even care to know when the exams start and end

call me exaggerating, call me immature

i saying all these now at the age of 23 based on what has happened for the past 22 years
so pardon me for blabbering like a school girl because i never had a chance to so when i was a real school girl
once i turned 13, i started learning all about independent and survival up until now

i blame the society and myself
the stigmas in our society (or perhaps the society my family is in) are just too vicious
you'll get respected if your children get to be doctors and lawyers
if they are just teachers, then you are a failure as parents
sadly my mother bites into that
and the rest is history

that's why i can't wait for the next phase of my life
when i can be with the one who really know me - what i want in life and who i want to be
because if people say nobody knows you best than your own family
that ain't the case with mine