Tuesday, April 28, 2009

one time, not too long ago, i heard my mom telling a friend of her how she wished her daughter (that would be me) had been a little bit more into studying, then she would have had a doctor-to-be as a daughter instead of a teacher-to-be (which is who i am now)

from that moment on, i realized that i never was, never am and never will be good enough for my mother..

perhaps that's the reason why i never felt how my study now is important to her..
the only times i really feel she care are when the results are in.. high scores are all that matter. the nightmares i went through to get those results never got into front-page news
she doesn't even care to know when the exams start and end

call me exaggerating, call me immature

i saying all these now at the age of 23 based on what has happened for the past 22 years
so pardon me for blabbering like a school girl because i never had a chance to so when i was a real school girl
once i turned 13, i started learning all about independent and survival up until now

i blame the society and myself
the stigmas in our society (or perhaps the society my family is in) are just too vicious
you'll get respected if your children get to be doctors and lawyers
if they are just teachers, then you are a failure as parents
sadly my mother bites into that
and the rest is history

that's why i can't wait for the next phase of my life
when i can be with the one who really know me - what i want in life and who i want to be
because if people say nobody knows you best than your own family
that ain't the case with mine


Mohd Sharazi Zulkeffli said...

I don't blame you girl. It happened to me. I don't think you are immature. It is just the world has become very cruel to us. Other people expectation can cause despair to us. To me, you just need to be happy with what you have and who you are. And everyone must respect that. Everything that happens must have it own reason. Insyallah, in the future, you will become an excellent teacher. Probably that the reason why Allah set this fate for you. Well, it is better to teach someone to become a person and how to live. Changing someone life for better are more meaningful than curing a disease. You can cure many patients but people will end up dead in the end. People will die anyway.

Melancholic Fool said...

I am sure as hell your mother does not think the way you think her think... (got that?)

Unless if she speak of what you think she is thinking out loud...

The society that all of us is in, doesn't say that mothers think like that...

maybe I am different... but i am sure as hell your mother does not think so...

don't stop enjoying this phase of your life... trust me... there is a silver lining around your mom's behaviour somewhere...

maybe this time you want to blabber like a fourteen year old...

I am sure as hell your mother does not think so...

Atie Kamil said...

thanks sharazi..
never thought of it that way though
u r right bout being doctors..
i wouldn't wanna be on my mother's bad side
so i end up being a hypocrite at home
for the sake of everyone

kei-1 said...

look too far ahead, you'll miss your step and fall down
to keep looking behind you while walking, will get you lost.

What matters is now, live your life the way that you would look back in 30 years to come and you can smile about it.

I think its ok to live as you please, though it might not pleases everybody. Parents are parents, some parents sees their children as children as long as they live. Its not that we can blame them, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your life.

have fun gal, get good company and have fun.

Atie Kamil said...

thanks guys...
i'm not close with my folks
cause i hv been accustomed to being away from home
much more comfortable around friends
that's y i really admire u shah
who share a close bond with your mother...
the atie you know is very different at home
much more reserved

Mohd Sharazi Zulkeffli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mohd Sharazi Zulkeffli said...

Well, I am not that perfect. but i try to become a better man. Although my bond with parent can be considered that close, but certain thing I disagree with them. That is part of life. You have your own opinion. So as them. Try to rationalise your opinion and action to them. I know it is going to be a long shot but as long you try. I hope. You can't please anybody though. The important is you have no regret afterward.