what's new for new year??

another year...
gonna be 23.
geez that sounds really old
nothing different i guess
just gonna work hard to improve my grades
wish i can get married but that surpasses possibility
so will keep that one for next year
or the year after
hopefully not the year after that
duh
typical girl
boring!

God-forsaken

when i was bed-ridden and unable to walk sometime in this year
i realized how important walking is..
after the accident, my right leg swelled to double its original size
and the swelling caused my skin to stretched and my toes couldn't touch the floor when i stepped down
the pain x payah cakap la
when you have lied down for a while and you wanted to get up,
blood circulated downward through the severed arteries
it would make you scream for your mom in an uncivilised manner

i was on crutches for a month and i fell 4times
twice on my way to the bathroom
once when i was getting out off the car
and once at a restaurant i went after getting my dressing changed
slippery
imbalance
uneven ground
everything was an obstacle to even move for an inch

when i fell
i felt a sudden air of frustration
i was frustrated that i couldn't even go to the bathroom without help
i felt useless
totally useless
for the fact that i couldn't walk
an ability that i did not even think about before

tears weren't enough to get rid of that overwhelming feeling

for a person who love to run and jump around
there were times i closed my eyes and wished it all to be just dreams

when you couldn't do things that were natural to you..
you'd feel the emptiness
you'd feel the fear
fear of not have lived to the fullest before
you'd also feel the insecurities

it was time i knew
i have to treasure everything
even the tiniest littlest thing in my life
if i don't start now
God knows when i will lose another precious possessions of mine

judge or be judged

one thing about our society..
malaysians
malays

they tend to JUDGE each other

when their daughter is always on the phone 24/7,
she must be less-focused on her study

when their friend's son got into a bike accident,
he must be one of those rempit guys

when they see boys on the street wearing some sort of indecent outfit,
he must be those who have strayed away from the right direction

when they see the next door neighbour's girl coming home late at night,
she must be out and up to no good

they are so easy to pass judgement
but they are quick to temper when the judgement is on them
from my pov
we are not good in handling criticism..
even the wise people up there blabbering this and that on the paper

so what's it gonna be?
you can stay put when you are not being judged
but when you are
you'll wish for salvation
like i am doing now

if i can describe the world i'm living in...
i'd use the word 'pretentious'
yup
that's the most suitable word

especially to my friends in UPM......

and apparently i am a pretender too
to survive in this god-forsaken world

everyone have to be one

LIFE

one blink.
i am on a different ground
there's a line
suddenly visible
red hands
torched face
i realized the changing of pace

one blink.
the ground cracks
a welcome is shut
pre-written speech
smiles end with a twitch
really shouldn't have trusted that bitch

Girls n Guys

I just found this really cheeky video on youtube



As funny as it looks, it is so so true..
Girls definitely go thru a lot more to face this world every single day
That's why we take forever to get ready for any outing
We can't help it
And guys shouldn't mind it
We want to look good and the reason partially is for you
Plus looking good brings out the confidence and you surely like confident girls (again its for you)

I'm sure guys out there have things to say to oppose this
I am probably not aware of what you guys need to go through for girls
But I know there must be.....

I, me, my, mine

A lot of people have affected my life and made me who I am

Today I am reminded of one

The one person I really really truly look up to
Because she did not judge me when others did
She appeared in my life during my worst moment and lighten it up
She tried to know me even though she could have just perceive like others
She believed in me when I thought no one will
We got along well but sadly only for a short time
But she made me look back to my high school life and smile
And that's the best gift anyone could've given me

Cikgu Wan Norhalina Wan Najib
You are the definition of a teacher
Now that I am about to become one
You definitely be the one in my reference list
hehe...
My post today is extra melodramatic la
Its because I miss my school days
Precious moments where I learned, strived, bent
And be the person I am now
And life still have too much to offer ahead.....

So watch this space

2008 and me

warning: may contain gory, stomach-clunching pics ahead....

One month before 2009
I already have hopes for next year
To be more matured in any way
and
To be a better servant to Him
and
To have a peaceful, less-stressed life
and perhaps
To avoid from any road accidents whatsoever

I am still so terrified by the scars on my right leg..
And the oh-somebody-please-hold-me pain that came before the scars
Its what people always say
We will never know the feeling till the day we face it ourselves
I now cannot take a look at a bike without the memory flashing through my eyes

Ah,
Another resolution for 2009
No bike/any two-wheeled engine-based transportation in any way possible.
Leave them to the pros

it was erghh...but it's much better looking now

dugaan Allah S.W.T

Darn
It has been 3months and I know it is over but somewhere deep in my heart
I hope that the snatcher knows the disgust that I harbour from him is still on
You gave me scars dude..
And you made me went through hell trying to heal and walk again
Not mentioning the ups and downs the processes of replacing everything you took
I'm just a student laa..
Go and snatch some mak datin's bag laa..worth your time.
But then again, being a snatcher, you must not be so bright to think of that..
Come to think of it
I feel sorry for you

Its all fated By Allah..
Benda dah jadi..
I know its wrong to still be this angry
Not that I can't walk again.
So I forgive you lah Mr Snatcher..
But I'm not sure if your other victims will do the same.........
So you know what to do la.
You surely possess certain level of intelligence to think of that one
Not to offend anyone
I'm just being me

Yoga and what not......

Kecoh sampai ke Indonesia pasal yoga banning for Muslims issue ni rupanya.. Seems like the Indons won't be in our corner in banning the spiritual-based fitness regime called yoga for Muslims. And the hype is still on in our Malaysia. Perak and Selangor are sceptical with the ban, the Hindu community has expressed their worry (which I think is irrelevant), research and study are still ongoing even though the ban is voiced, citizens continue to express what they think and believe - some are worried that they might have been misled all this time, some are reluctant to give up the exercise that has helped them find peace, some are giving out information on what they know about the exercise, some are disgusted by the hastiness of the ban and 'narrow-minded/one-sided/discriminating' it is Malaysians...... Entahla, I am not a practitioner so I'll just be among some who is concerned about what's going on with Malaysia.. (cewah) Yoga originated from Hinduism, that is for sure. Basically it involves poses, meditation, breathing methods, all those stuff you see the hollywood celebrities are doing. It is supposed to be therapeutic and enlightening. Its goal is to achieve pure serenity, stress-free, positive life. I think its like reaching a higher stage of living where you feel total comfort and spiritually satisfied. While browsing thru the Net, I found many tongue-twisting Sanskrit terms like Chaturangas, Purvottanasana, Pranayama, etc. I do not know what they mean but surely they are about fitness and health. Back to the issue, I personally think that we (Malaysians, regardless of race and religions) have to learn how to approach an issue with poise and wisdom. Itu je masalahnya. In a country like ours where we scream out integration but act out the opposite, people have to know how to say something about something. Those who discovered bout something in Yoga which is against the Islamic beliefs should explain explicitly which what and how before stamping a ban. Yes it is extremely important when in comes to religion but amar makruf nahi mungkar itu perlu ada strategi..(cewah lagi) Plus, Muslim yoga practitioner should have known if what they are practising is diverting away from Islam. I believe when we do something we have to really know and learn about it. Takkan buta-buta je nak buat. They must have been taught the basics and fundamentals in yoga. So, terpulang kepada individu sama ada pandai menilai, memilih dan menerima. Come on la, rakyat Malaysia kan pandai- pandai... Non-Muslims should not be affected by the ban whatsoever. The banning is not a discrimination/racist kinda act (read the word Muslims). Because I believe there are also things that Buddhists and Hindus are prohibited to do when it comes to religions. Its just that this issue has been over-publicized. Here's a thought to all Muslims, we have our own method to achieve optimum serenity and peace - solat/salat. It is a form of exercise and spiritually therapeutic. Five times a day means a lot of exercising and connecting with our spiritual within. So in my humble opinion, we have our own 'yoga'....

I told you I suck at blogging...can't bring myself to find internet - dat's what happen if you are a upm student. Even when i happen to find a connection, time is my most endearing enemy. Plus the blues of 'i dun know what to write' haunts me whenever i feel the need to blog. its been so long since i last wrote a post and the semester is almost over. I am currently in the midst of final exams which i dare not say a word about - God knows how hard it is. It has only been two papers and there are pimples all over my forehead. I got the feeling that i might screw this sem. Cos it's just too hard for me. Not for the others, but me. People might look at me and say 'btw, isn't TESL like the easiest program around?' Believe me people do come over and say those words to me. My dad included of course.

And to answer such question, my friend Farid said and i quote "Belajar bukan memang susah. Belajar itu sendiri bermakna susah. Kita belajar perkara yang kita belum tahu. Pengetahuan yang belum ada dalam sistem data kita. Sudah semestinya susah."

There is no learning that is easy. Instead, there are ways to make learning easy. Guess that i haven't found my ways. But not that I do not try to.

Living in my kind of society, academic is everything. The people that i live with go through their daily life based on the hope to reach excellence (who doesn't)... But there is certainly more to life than how many As u score. At least that is the mindset i live with. Its all depending on the system. If our system (education-wise) stresses less on examination and more upon individual growth, i believe many more rare talents can be found everyday. Who am i to discuss something like this but growing older by the minute and a definite member in this education arena, it is something to be ponder upon. Education is future, after all.

nightly confrontation

11.49pm...

Adult: Suatu masa dulu, ada sorg budak perempuan nama Little Red Riding Hood. Mak dia suruh dia jalan kaki lalu hutan nak pegi umah nenek dia sebab nenek dia sakit...

Child 1: Nape dia jalan, kakti?
Dia tak ade keta ke?
Dia budak miskin ke?
Dia ada psp tak?

Adult: Tak ade. Dia hidup zaman dulu2.. time tu keta tak ade. Moto pun tak ade.

Child 1: Bas pun tak ade?

Adult: Tak ade. Semua org jalan kaki je nak pegi mana pun.
Anyway, pastu Little Red Riding Hood pun jalan la lalu kat hutan. Before tu mak dia
pesan tau jangan stop mana2, jalan je terus sampai umah nenek dia. Sebab hutan tu
bahaya. Ada byk binatang jahat.

Child 1: Kat dalam hutan tu ade byk indon ke?

Adult: Indon? taklah. Hutan tu byk wolf. Wolf ni suka makan orang. Kalau dia nampak Little Red Riding Hood nanti dia tangkap makan.

Child 1: Wolf tu besar ke?
Mcm mane dia makan orang?

Adult: Err...Ha'ah kut. Wolf tu besar..... Dia makan budak2 skali ngap je. Xngantuk lagi ke ni?

Child 1: Blum. Kakti, Riding Hood tu tak bawak pistol ke?
Kalau wolf tu datang bole tembak je mati.

Adult: Ish..mana bole budak kecik bawak pistol. Little Red Riding Hood tu tak reti guna pistol.
Lepas tu kan, Little Red Riding Hood ni lupa ape mak dia pesan kat dia. Dia berenti byk
kali nak petik bunga. Time dia berenti byk kali ni, wolf nampak dia.

Child 1: Riding Hood tu tak nampak ke wolf tu?
Kakti cakap wolf tu besar sangat sangat.

Adult: Tak nampak la kut..sebab pastu wolf tu potong Little Red Riding Hood so dia sampai
dlu kat umah nenek dia.

Child 1: Red Riding Hood tu tak call dlu ke nenek dia ckp nk dtg?
Nanti nenek dia kena makan dgn wolf tu plak.....

Adult: Isk..cite ni mcm x best je kan...Kakti da ngantuk la. Good nite Syakir....ZZZzzzzZzZzz...

i am kinda disturbed by the fact that our children now can no longer process fairy tales. They look for logic and reasons in everything - which is not a bad thing but c'mon..we are forcing them to shed their innocence. no wonderla when they go to school they act like adults and cannot be restrained by rules and regulations. Yes, fairy tales are tales/fiction. But they carry a heavy load of moral values in a beautiful and imaginative ways.

Fairy tales led me to fall in love with language and rhythm. They definitely need a comeback. Kindergarten nowadays, instead of doing intense mathematic and writing exercise, please provide some soothing period for story time. i do want our children to be intelligent, but i also want them to have beautiful souls filled with compassion and empathy

most wanted list topspot: DETERMINATION

I'm not sure of the reasons but starting a blog has been a real drag for me. Each blog I wrote went under construction after few postings and haven't been able to recover. There are so many things in my otak but still I find it hard to pour them out into words. And to think that I used to be great in pouring my isi otak in high school essays, its baffling. Funny how abilities and talents can fade if we do not brush em up from time to time. Just like me and debating. 10 years ago, debating is my territory. I came and I conquered. And on centerstage, my three opposition members always appeared as the three blind mice that were crossing my path. That was the idea told by Ms Rozie, my first fav eng teacher (miss you!). POIs were nothing, really.
I'm not ashamed of exaggerating because those were the my gloriest moments.

But after some time - which included losing, losing again, adolescent, poor time management, BFF, en.Zul the warden, en.Kamil the father, t.Mard being t.Mard, love crushes, obesity (which stays permanent) - all the dramas that can possibly happen in a girl's life, I now stand with fear if i were to be asked to debate again.

And now my writing wiring is short-circuited. There's malas somewhere, and a little usaha here and there, and an absolute conscious about what people are gonna think bout what i write.But blogging seems therapeutic. And by acknowledging how chaotic my life is currently, i really need all the therapy i can get. I mean, not that many will actually read them though.

So here goes another try (fingers crossed)..